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television personalities/tony danza [b-side]

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Feb. 21st, 2007 | 9:47 am

I just had this terrible dream that I was being raped by Tony Danza.  I was on a couch at a party in a room full of friends and family.  he was sitting right next to me, making small talk, slowly pulling a comforter over both of us, and the next thing I thing I know, he's uncomfortably close and I'm pushing, pushing with my side, with all my weight, but he gets me to turn and I find myself trying to push him away with my hands and my feet, but he's so much bigger and he overpowers me.  his hands are in my shirt and pants and I can feel them grabbing and groping and fumbling and I'm scared and angry and crying and screaming  "NO" and "RAPE."  no one pays any attention really; my grandma looks over once, coldly, and then she looks away.  and so I'm beating him and kicking him and my hands and feet just sink into his doughy, flabby flesh.  and I'm terrified and enraged, and I feel him shift to pull his sweatpants down and I feel his skin getting closer to mine and I just keep screaming and pushing and beating him with my fists and tearing at him with my nails, but he's nose to nose with me and breathing on me and destroying me with this super-dominant, nasty, menacing, victorious look in his eyes.  but I can't avoid it, I'm scared to close my eyes or turn away or let down my guard, but his hands slip onto my throat and I'm crying and fuming and whimpering and pleading and start looking around and I see friends I see my friends out of the corner of my eye, Andrea, Kathy, and I'm trying to call out but spit just trickles out of my lips and I'm scared and desperate and  he's close close close too close and just as he grunts and thrusts, and he's flush against me, I wake up.

and now I'm sitting here and shaking and sticky and covered with sweat, and I'm feeling sad and confused and angry and humiliated.  and the bed is soaking wet and there are tears on my face, and spit in my mouth and dribble on my chin.  and suddenly, I'm terrified of being under the comforter.

I will never be able to watch Nick-at-Nite reruns of Who's the Boss? ever again.

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Comments {2}

Andrea

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from: shamgogo
date: Feb. 22nd, 2007 1:29 am (UTC)
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Crap. Are you ok? Tony Danza is totally evil.

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trashy mctrashtrash

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from: donna_u_wanna
date: Feb. 22nd, 2007 2:17 am (UTC)
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yeah, I'm fine. I was a mess this morning though. I mean, the dream was a combination of incidents--one that happened during high school (the party setting, the bigger overpowering man, the choking, the powerlessness, lots of people close by, but no one doing anything to stop it), as well as particular feelings and things that happened with Larry (feeling my fists and kicks fall into his fat, the groping in public, the menacing look, the feelings of being dominated and humiliated and degraded).... plus media weirdness.

and I know that it probably just happened because I'm being forced to take stock of these memories and think about them more, even though I come home and try hard not to (by watching hours of reruns on tv)... so.... I don't know.

I mean, I spoke to one of my trauma studies professors today though, so I think I'll be fine. it was just a dream. but I really don't think I can handle anything with Tony Danza anymore. (not like I'm missing much.)

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